The Power of Style: It’s Not What You Say, But How You Say It

During a recent Success Signals class, I had a moment that reminded me of one of the most critical aspects of communication. At the end of the session, I asked participants to reflect on one takeaway they could use at work the next day. As we were wrapping up, one quiet, unassuming participant sitting in the back raised his hand. He looked up, made direct eye contact, and shared an insight that struck a chord with everyone in the room.

He said, “I had an epiphany today that I think has changed me forever. It's not what I say, but how I say it. My style is completely opposite of my spouse, and now I understand that it’s my job to adapt my style when I want to be heard. Sometimes what I’m saying doesn’t land with her because of my approach. There is so much freedom in knowing this. I have more control than I think!”

His words resonated deeply because they capture a truth that’s often overlooked in communication: it’s not always about the content of what you’re saying, but the way in which you say it.

We all have our own communication style. And while each style has its strengths, problems arise when we assume that everyone around us communicates the same way we do.

What this participant realized is that effective communication isn’t just about expressing yourself; it’s about being understood. That means recognizing the style of the person you’re speaking to and being willing to adapt your approach. This flexibility isn’t about losing your voice—it’s about gaining influence. When you tailor your communication to fit the person you’re engaging with, you drastically improve the likelihood that your message will land.

It’s Not Just About the Words

Communication is often seen as the exchange of words, but the truth is, words are only one part of the equation. Tone, body language, timing, and approach can make or break the impact of your message. You may be saying all the right things, but if your delivery doesn’t resonate with the person you're speaking to, your message will fall flat.

In the case of this participant, he realized that with his spouse, the way he was delivering his message often clashed with her communication style. His directness didn’t mesh with her more subtle, reflective approach. By recognizing this and making adjustments, he discovered the freedom that comes with having control over the communication dynamic.

Adaptability Is a Superpower

The true breakthrough here wasn’t just understanding different styles—it was embracing the power of adaptability. Being able to flex your communication style to match the needs of others is a superpower. When you learn to speak in a way that aligns with the other person’s style, you increase your chances of being heard and understood. And it’s not just about personal relationships—this applies to workplace dynamics, leadership, customer service, and any area where human interaction is essential.

The Takeaway

The participant's epiphany speaks to the heart of communication success: It’s not what you say, but how you say it. By recognizing the styles of others and being willing to adapt, you open doors to deeper connection and greater influence. This isn’t about manipulation or changing who you are—it’s about becoming a more effective communicator by understanding that the real power lies in how you deliver your message.

So, ask yourself: How can you flex your style to ensure your message truly lands? When you take control of how you say things, you gain the freedom to be heard in a way that really matters. And that’s a skill worth mastering.